Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
