The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
