I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
