who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
