Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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