I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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