Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
