he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
