Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
