I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
