so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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