my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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