great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
