Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
