you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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