I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
