So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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