I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
