I'm pants shitting drunk right now
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
