Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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