Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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