I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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