remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
