So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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