saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
