in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
