Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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