dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
