I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
