spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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