I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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