Swine flu. Run for my life!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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