i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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