Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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