Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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