I wish my penis had an off switch
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
