If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
