Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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