Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
