Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
