Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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