Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
