She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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