im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
