He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
