So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
