: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
