having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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