I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
