dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
