What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.