her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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