i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
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ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.