clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think people are normalizing furries
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
