there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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