i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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