You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
