Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
