I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
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Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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