I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
