You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
